Friday, September 12, 2008

A Stubborn Queen

It’s 3:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Very unusual for me, but I have a lot on my mind. I guess that explains it.

We are in a wonderful small group (6 families walking through life together, studying God's Word and loving each other like family). As our topic, we are reading and studying the book "Sacred Marriage". It's wonderfully challenging.

I really wish there was a You Tube of my life before Periodic Paralysis. I was fun and friendly Queen, but I was willful, independent, stubborn Queen. I never saw myself as I truly was. King would tell me each time I balked, “You are re-evaluating my decision and my leadership.” That left me indignant and angry. I was not! How dare he even say that? And even if I did re-evaluate, then what was the threat? If he was secure in his decision, what did it matter that I re-evaluated things before I decided what to do?!

(shaking head) There was no leading me in those days. King dragged me where he wanted me to go and I only went there if I wanted to go. It was ugly and sad for years. Well over a decade. Honestly and truly, I don’t know why he stayed with me except that he had no other option. He is too loyal to break his covenant and also, Christ equipped him to stay. The worst part, my friend, is that I continued this behavior long into my horrible paralysis years. (My Periodic Paralysis was triggered by my hormonal change when I weaned my daughter. For years, I had full body paralysis episodes all throughout the day and some nights. Some would last 5 minutes and some episodes would last 45 minutes.) Here the guy was dressing me and attending to my basic physical needs and I was basically telling him he had no authority in my life. By his very sacrifices on a daily basis, he had earned the right to be my leader, but I was too willful. I cannot tell you how many times I lay in the floor or on the couch or in some crumpled position, barely breathing and was doing battle with God. Over and over, repeatedly, God physically showed me just how much control I really had in my life. None. If we measure my control on a scale of 1-10 ... I had -5.

I really am at a loss to describe the change in my heart and direction over the years. God didn’t move a millimeter. His design is perfect and He will not budge in this area. I’ll sum it up by saying, God finally got my attention and my desire to live His way, not mine. This is still a constant battle. I was trained for years to push back against someone else controlling my life and my sin nature is powerful and strong. Praise God, the Holy Spirit is inexplicably stronger. The funny thing is this: King has never wanted to control me. He has only wanted to lead me and to do what God designed him to do.

If you are married, I hope you will learn from my mistakes. If you are not married ... please ... learn from my mistakes. Marriage is a beautiful picture of our relationship with Father God. He is a tender leader and He will only put up with so much before he disciplines. Been there, done that. I gotta say, it is immeasurably good to be disciplined by Father God. He is so loving and gracious and completely knows my limits. I never want 1 Corinthians 5:4-5 to come to pass for me...

"When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord. "

Rather, I prefer Psalm 103:8-14

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

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