Thursday, August 28, 2008

Mom of an Only Child

I am the mom of an only child. I always thought I would have atleast 4 children. What I didn't know then is that a genetic neuromuscular disorder was lurking in my body. Periodic Paralysis would peek its head up over the years, but was never a problem ... just an annoying nuisance. My pregnancy triggered the disorder, and after years of diagnostic searching, we found out that each of my biological children has a 50/50% chance of inheriting it.

Ouch. How do you consider having another child when you know that child has a 50%/50% chance of inheriting a life-threatening neuromuscular disorder? Big, big questions have to be asked. Much, much prayer is laid in the Throne Room at the feet of Father God.

After long prayer, talks and research, we decided to have no other biological children. Talk about dying to self! My whole dream was to be an amazing wife and fun, rowdy mom to a houseful of little people! God has quietly spoken into my heart over and over of His Plan for me ... not my plan for Him. It's an ongoing lesson, learning to submit to His Sovereignty.

So, there are times when stranger's comments or "helpful" friends grieve me. Statments like, "Is she your ONLY?" "Why don't you just adopt?" Or my personal favorite, said to me when Princess was 3 or 4, "When are you due?" Ya'll. I'm not even really fat. I think I've long destroyed the outfit I was wearing on the day that question was asked!

I think it's not only disappointment that I feel, but fear. My grief is stoked by my own sinful fear. Fear of what Princess will go through as we age, fear of her early death, fear of her loneliness, fear of not being in control. Mommies love being the "go to" person. Or atleast, this mommy loves being the "go to" person. I can handle it ... whatever it is. Bring it on. But, truly, I can't handle it. Jesus, please don't "bring it on". My huge imagination creates enough "what if" scenarios that stoke my fearfulness.

Thankfully, God in His sweetness, calls me to His chest to rest and trust. He has an only child, afterall. He has watched His Son die. He will lead me in all things and in all wisdom. He is the perfect parent. I simply need to trust.

No comments: